Jeanna’s Story ~ “My lifelong struggle with anxiety and self-harm: I thought about it, and I think this is all that matters…..”

This was written by my beautiful friend Jeanna, whose laughter and positive attitude and love for life is contagious!   We started talking one day a few months ago when she saw this picture posted on my friend Melissa’s blog page, Adventures of Ninja Mama:

Pal's
This was one of the first family pics we had taken after my hubby had gotten sober.  We had been cruising around at a classic car show –Greg’s idea of a good time, not mine 😉 –and then stopped for lunch at an old fashioned diner that had a mirror on the ceiling.   That was one of the best days the 3 of us had had together in a long time.

She commented that she loved this.  I commented back.  Then I started following HER blog, My Children Think I’m Perfect.  It is AMAZING.  Painfully and brilliantly genuine and forthcoming (and I highly recommend you read her post Unsinkable when you get a chance). Then we started messaging each other back and forth and then we discovered that we only lived a couple hours from each other!!  Jeanna and her hubby drove with me and Greg and my sister and her boyfriend to Chicago to shave their heads for kids’ Cancer awareness.  We had so much fun together that she picked me up a different weekend and drove us to support another blogger in a Chicago show.  We talk on the phone, we text, and she was more than happy to help me out with my blog by writing this story for you today.

Jeanna’s story is very real.  It was not written and shared for anyone to judge.  It was written to help, to give hope, and to inspire.  Although you may identify greatly with her struggles and triumphs, not a single one of you has thought the EXACT same thoughts and felt the EXACT same feelings as Jeanna in her situations.  Please keep that in mind before you think it’s acceptable to judge her.  It’s not.  And if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.  Today, it is only okay to support.  It’s okay to sympathize or empathize.  It’s okay to encourage.
Thank you, Jeanna, for sharing your story. ❤

"I am at peace." ~Jeanna

“I am at peace.” ~Jeanna

“…..I walk outside and look into the night, all I see is a life worth living. Surrounding me at every turn are blessings. I fall to my knees in gratitude.

For I know darkness.

And because of this I scream thank you into the light.

I know hope.

I close my eyes and I whisper, “this too shall pass.”

And I believe myself.

Once upon a time I drew razor blades across my flesh and begged for my mind to stop hurting. I drew words into my skin and hoped that they would be heard. My restless mind begged to be forgiven, redemption for every task I couldn’t tackle. I was at war with myself and the battles raged endlessly.

For years I clung to childlike prayers of optimism and when the world fell around me, as the world on occasion will, it tore my heart into a thousand pieces. The burden of realization tore at my insides; I ripped at my outsides to validate my pain.

I doubted my worth at every turn. I noticed the rafters where I could tie a noose before I noticed validation in the faces of those around me. I feared love, because I feared loss. And in doing so, I feared life. I drowned in terror.

And somehow, by some chance, by a blessing, by one last breath of shear will, I decided to swim.

You can be reborn. You can have a life worth living. You can awaken to a dream. I promise.

You can heal.

But you must stay to see another day.”

 

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3 thoughts on “Jeanna’s Story ~ “My lifelong struggle with anxiety and self-harm: I thought about it, and I think this is all that matters…..”

  1. Beautiful. Powerful. Jeanna, this is a blessing to the world. I mean that sincerely. You’ve literally just made the world a better place. You’ve made my world a better place. Thank you for that. And thank you, L, for sharing it.

  2. I heart our Jeanna Kaye 🙂

  3. greg says:

    Your words truely are inspirational and heartfelt, i love this post and you 😉

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